I'm Really Not Okay
by MyMagentaPeach
Summary: KLAINE-TIKE-Friendship story about doing our best to mend old wounds left open. Kurt is lying in his arms, again unravelled, trembling. Blaine does not know where this is coming from. It is all so sudden, and after what he has just come to learn... asking Burt for help feels so utterly impossible this time. Warning: If you might get triggered by cutting, please don't read.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Glee.

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><p><strong>I'm Really Not Okay<strong>

"Blaine," the voice at first sounds small and hesitant, then with the next words so full of pain, "I didn't mean to do it, I swear I didn't mean to."

Blaine had heard the clattering sound coming from the kitchen a moment earlier but not thought much more of it other than 'I have never seen Kurt drop anything in all the time I've known him'.

At Kurt's words looking up from where Blaine is sitting on the couch, now no longer reading, Kurt's eyes are what Blaine finds first.

What he does not understand is the pain he finds in them.

Just minutes ago, before Kurt had gone into the kitchen to get them both some water, Blaine already settling himself on the couch, pulling one of his favorite books from his bag – his favorite because he loves reading it out loud to Kurt, loves how Kurt loves listening to him read it – they both had been fine, smiling, laughing.

The expression on the boy now standing before him radiates pain.

Blaine is instantly on his feet. As he makes to walk the few steps over to where Kurt is standing just outside the kitchen his look turns into one of question.

Kurt, who had held his gaze firmly so far now frantically tries to shut his pain away, out of Blaine's reach, pressing his eyelids firmly shut, his whole face contorting into a mask of pain and 'Fear?'

Blaine wishes for nothing more than the ability to make sense of this expression, to know what brought this on, to know what Kurt needs to make it better.

So Blaine reaches out to gently take Kurt's left hand.

He feels the hot sticky substance it is covered in before he sees it, them.

The lines gravity has drawn with the liquid running along the inner side of Kurt's arm cannot be missed, hot red on pale skin.

"I didn't mean to do it Blaine I swear I didn't mean to do it!" Kurt's eyes when he finds them again are pleading; now overtaken by fear, the pain still dully pressing, pressuring from behind to keep its part in all of this known.

Kurt expects Blaine to pull away, to let go, right in the moment he hears Blaine's gasp and feels Blaine's touch growing lighter on his hand. Expects Blaine to be as disgusted by Kurt as he himself feels.

He is not prepared for Blaine pulling him closer, into a deep desperate embrace, "Blaine, you are getting blood all over your clothes."

"I don't care about that. I care about you."

"I didn't mean to do it, I swear, I didn't Blaine. I didn't," Kurt keeps saying the words over and over, as if to fill spaces, thoughts; as to leave no room for any other possible thought that might come to either of them.


	2. Sound

**A/N: **Well…I have been writing almost none stop these last three days, and I don't know what it is about me continuing sad storylines this weekend, but it is what felt important doing...so, yes, well...

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><p><strong>I'm Really Not Okay<br>**

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><p><strong>Chapter 2: Sound<strong>

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><p>The music is turned up.<p>

Burt knows something is not right about it, not right at all, when he does not hear someone singing along.

Usually it is Kurt, or Blaine, sometimes Finn, too.

The missing notes, in voices familiar, have Burt take the stairs as soon as he has shrugged of his jacket, two at a time. The cardio he had been talked into starting after his heart attack is really working for him he is always reminded in moments like this one, when he reaches the top of the flight of stairs without being out of puff.

Burt can tell now, the music is clearly coming..._from Kurt's room_.

He knocks twice on Kurt's bedroom door.

When there is no answer he slowly opens the door, not intending to cause an uncomfortable situation for anyone.

The music is so loud, really loud, that Burt doubts they will be able to hear him, but he still feels it is important to try.

"Kurt? Blaine?"

The door standing finally fully open Burt is left thinking...

_...Okay…definitely not what…I expected...to find._

Kurt, eyes closed, is wrapped up tightly in Blaine's embrace, whose eyes are - in a startling contrast to Kurt's - wide open, upper body half-propped up against the headboard.

Blaine catches Burt's eyes and questioning nod into the direction of Kurt's stereo instantly. But only after briefly moving his left hand to feel Kurt's heartbeat nods for Burt to, _…yes, go ahead..._and turn of the music altogether.

The music had been loud.

The silence is deafening.

Only turning back around and sitting down on the foot of the bed Burt notices the bandages, wrapped around Kurt's entire left forearm.

"What happened?" Burt asks in a quiet voice.

Blaine's features, harden with pain mixing into the confusion Burt had found in them as soon as he had entered the room. "He, just, he asked me to keep the music on like this, even if he should fall asleep. He,...I think for distraction from, um,...I'm...I'm not sure. Other than that..."

"Okay," Burt replies, frowning deeply himself now, and trying to figure out what to do with that answer.

Left hand still gently resting over Kurt's heartbeat - that had finally tangibly slowed down after the first hour of just lying here together, like this - Blaine is watching for signs of unrest. Blaine takes a deep breath, tries then, again, "He is asleep. He…I think he cut himself," and now tears are running free, running wild from Blaine's eyes, still wide open, like he is afraid to blink, like it might make him miss a single of Kurt's heartbeats. "I don't understand why."

Burt is frozen. And oh gosh he knows it is no help, no help, at all, to Blaine, or Kurt, but for a minute and twenty-three seconds Burt just...cannot...move. One thought replaying in his head, over and over, …_not again. Please…not again._ And then: _Why...now?_

"Has he done it before?" Blaine finally whispers into the silence, Burt's reaction hitting him with the sinking feeling that he already knows the answer. But Blaine has seen..._I have seen all of you, Love,_ he thinks eyes fixed on Kurt's features,_...and..._yes there are scars, but not a single one that to Blaine had looked like one self-inflicted. _What if I missed something? What if I missed everything? _

Burt can only answer with a shaky nod for a moment longer. "Before he came out to me he did, I think."

"You...you think?"

"He was a minor, so the doctor had told me about cuts she had found on his forearm, during a check up. She said they were only a few, and healing already, but that I should know nevertheless, because something like this could…escalate."

Blaine sits quiet for a moment, then, running his right hand gently through the hair of the boy sleeping curled up into Blaine's chest, asks "Did you ever talk to him about it?"

Burt looks as guilt ridden as Blaine has ever seen him.

Closing his eyes with a deep sigh Burt brings out, "God, I should have, shouldn't I."

Blaine just keeps looking back at Burt sadly.

"Kid,…I…we were not always this close, Kurt and me."

"I know. Kurt has told me about it, a lot actually...But you should have tried still," Blaine says, eyes welling up with fresh tears.

"I know." Burt does not know what else to say.

"I have never seen him look so terrified as today. I…I don't know what to do," Blaine chokes out under his breath, trying hard to swallow back the sob building, finally managing it, reminding himself that..._Kurt needs rest._

They stay sitting like this for the next ten minutes, both at a loss for words.

And Blaine finds himself angry with Burt for the first time since he has known the man.

Kurt eventually begins to stir again, having lain there, completely still, all the while, with the tender weight of Blaine's left hand on his chest - trying to keep Kurt's heart safe._  
><em>

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><p>AN: Okay, I have to ask...that last sentence, too cheesy? I mean it is Blaine so, I figured...go for it. I am not sure I will write more for this, I might. Hope you liked it so far. Would love if you loved it.

Thanxs for reading and reviewing,

xo M


	3. Sense

**I'm Really Not Okay**

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><p><strong>Chapter 3: Sense<strong>

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><p>Blaine has thought about this a lot - from a lot of different angles. <em>'Have I a right, any right at all, to tell?' 'Have I a right to ask it…, this…, anything, of Kurt, of anyone?' <em>

Blaine also used to think about what Burt might think of his actions, but since their last conversation, that day in Kurt's room, Kurt in his arms, somehow Blaine has stopped caring what Burt might think of anything he does, at least for now. Blaine himself hopes, still, this might change again, knows Burt has changed since Kurt has been in middle school.

Blaine does have an idea. He has doubts too. _'Is this what Kurt needs, what could really help him?'_ It is the one thought that keeps circling in Blaine's mind.

Blaine knows that he himself has still no idea, no idea at all how to help, really help Kurt get better. He has never been more thankful that he is here with Kurt, knows how to be here for him, how to hold and comfort. Blaine not only does love Kurt but knows how to show it – sure, in sometimes clumsy ways but always heart-wrenchingly clear and honest.

Especially holding Kurt, these days, Blaine keeps replaying the whole day it happened in his head - trying, and hard, to understand '…_how…why did you cut yourself that day, Baby?'_

It is a question he carries inside, wants to ask, needs to ask Kurt, but has not yet dared to, fearing less the answer more what else it might drive Kurt to do, having to face, acknowledge, his fears.

Never before that day, that talk with Burt, had Blaine noticed how heavily he has always relied on Burt to throw him a life-line whatever it was about Kurt that Blaine himself could not make sense of just yet.

From the irrational fear of vampires, that Finn strangely enough seems to be sharing with Kurt, to trying to install a stronger sense of self preservation in Kurt when talking about going to Prom in a kilt, sex-talks and pep-talks, dreams and disappointments, Burt had always been there when Blaine had not, or not known how to.

'_Time before Dalton. Time before Glee…. Time after your mom's death...',_ Blaine knows Kurt had been alone _'…so alone…' _back then, had felt, if he is anything like Blaine – which Blaine knows Kurt is, the two of them alike in so many ways – had felt it even more so.

'_Alone, abandoned,…unloved.' _

So these days, really from the moment Kurt had woken back up in his arms, Burt still with them in Kurt's room, Blaine has made it his mission to tell Kurt, even more than usually that is, that, _"…I love you, so much."_

Kurt had only breathed back that day, in a voice shaky, trembling really, _"I love you." _

It has been days since, _'…that day_.' Days to Blaine long, filled to the brim with worry, fear and pain, having to wait and watch, watch and wait, afraid to push Kurt away instead of pushing through to him if he tries too hard..., or at all.

Then, today, barely twenty minutes ago, Blaine had decided that, _'They went to the same middle school. I know they weren't friends back then…but…it's the best shot I've got.' _

So he had called Tina, told Tina, what has happened, what Burt has told him might have happened back when _"…you two were in middle school, here,…in Lima. I…, I don't know who else to talk to. I don't know anyone else he might talk to about this. I'm sss…", _and then a trembling had taken over Blaine's voice, and Tina's heart had another crack added to it, listening lovingly, knowing the last thing Blaine needs in this is someone interrupting him, _"sssohhohorry. I'm afraid heh, heeh, will hate me if I ask for answers, that heh wihll think I'm trying to push him to beeh something, someohne, heh is noht."_

The conversation has really only ended moments ago, with Tina, listening to Blaine through all of her twenty minute walk over to Kurt's place, on the phone to Blaine, trying to make sense of it all – Kurt meanwhile not for the first time asleep in his bedroom in the middle of the afternoon, having cried himself asleep in Blaine's arms for over an hour before – not saying a word, again; Blaine cooing soothing sounds and melodies, touches gentle.

The front door to the Hummels' house is still standing wide open, the freed sobbing of a teenage boy, muffled by a teenage girl's yellow t-shirt the only sound heard, as two shadows, falling on the doorstep, embrace each other.

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><p><strong>AN:** I am surprised where this story is taking me, though not unpleasantly. How do you feel?


	4. Stop Start

**A/N: **

Hi, trying to catch up on finishing up some old stories of mine. I had completely forgotten about this one (so sorry readers I have so many WIPs going at the moment, sometimes it is just really hard to keep them all alive at once and some drift into the background for a while, a way long while in this case, it's my fault really, I can never keep storyideas to myself, I always just blurt them out there on fanfiction, and then they sit and wait for me to come back, and I am sorry you had to as well on this story), so I remembered all about it today as someone new (thank you **AutumnRoseSummerLily**) started following it.

I know what I came up with is short, but I hope it does not disappoint.

**I'm Really Not Okay**

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><p><strong>Chapter 4: Stop Start<strong>

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><p>It takes weeks for Kurt to start talking, for Kurt to feel able to start to talk.<p>

That afternoon all Blaine and Tina accomplish is for Kurt to actually leave his bedroom, so the three of them can take a walk, fresh air, and Kurt, after, takes more sleep, claims it like he is afraid it will be stolen from him otherwise.

So Tina and Blaine end up sitting on the carpet in Kurt's bedroom, sipping hot chocolate.

"We need to talk about this, Blaine. He is a mess," Tina says as soft as she can muster.

All Blaine can think, all Blaine can say is, "I am scared to ask."

"Imagine how scared he must be then. All alone inside his head."

And Tina did not mean to make Blaine cry, … but she has.

"Blaine, I didn't mean it was your fault."

"I know," he blubbers through tears, "But … but what if it is? His dad said it happened years ago, when he felt all alone. What am I doing wrong? Am I making him feel this way?"

Tina is hugging him as soon as she has coaxed the mug out of his hands and put it down, "Blaine." But he won't stop sobbing. "Blaine!" she tries a little more forcefully. "Tell me again what you know already. Okay? But downstairs, I don't want to wake him."

Blaine allows, reluctantly, for Tina to take him downstairs.

When they are seated on the couch, emptied out cocoa mugs put away in the kitchen sink beforehand, Tina takes Blaine's hands in her own, and waits for him to meet her eyes, "Tell me again what you know so far, okay? I mean I heard you on the phone but, I'm sorry, but you did not make much sense between all the crying and the half-swallowed words. I'm so sorry I have to ask you to tell me again."

Blaine nods, breaths deep once before he starts, "It's okay. So, ... some days ago Kurt came in here from the kitchen, he had just meant to make us some sandwiches, and he was … he was bleeding from a deep cut on his left forearm. All he would tell me was he had not meant to do it. He kept saying it over and over. Burt and I later found the knife he must have … have used, blood-smeared, on the kitchen floor."

"You're sure he did it on purpose?" Tina asks, simply trying to understand.

"I am not sure of anything, Tina. It's what makes this so hard," Blaine lets out a frustrated sigh.

"What happened then?"

"Kurt would not come out of bed for two whole days, and I just stayed, holding him. And ... and Burt told me a doctor once found scars she thought were self-inflicted on Kurt's arms, when he was in middle school. That's why I called you."

Tina nods, "Okay, yeah, we went to the same school, but I have to be honest Blaine, Kurt and I, we never exchanged more than a few words, we were both …, well I was shy, Kurt had always been decidedly himself, proud of being himself too. My point, we were both loners, for entirely different reasons, but I did not really get to know him until Glee at McKinley."

Blaine nods, eyes wet with tears not quite yet there, "You can't help me."

"I didn't say that."

"But how if you did not know him either at the time?"

"I still saw him almost every day in the halls, at his locker. For the most part he seemed the same, indifferent to most others, determined to hold on to himself. And I don't know if it means anything, but … our last year in middle school, in the last months, he suddenly seemed …different. He looked even thinner than he does already, and tired … all the time. Maybe, I don't know, I thought maybe that was the time, you know, he first … he first felt like he, he had no choice but to, to …."

"Hurt himself," Blaine finishes for her.

"Yes," Tina replies sadly. "I hope this helps."

"I hope so too, thank you."

"Really, Blaine, no need. I am just glad I spent a lot of time people watching in middle school. Maybe it was after all good for something."

"I hope so," Blaine answers head already moving on to what to do with this new information as he thanks Tina once more while leading her to the front door and exchanging goodbyes together with a plea not to tell anyone, apart from Mike who, Tina had told Blaine already, had earlier overheard part of their phone conversation.


	5. Sooner

**I'm Really Not Okay**

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><p><strong>Chapter 5: Sooner<strong>

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><p>That day, the day of Tina's visit, there is nothing more that can done after Kurt wakes up again than a few hours of sleepy cuddling.<p>

There is nothing more Kurt feels he can do. And he tells Blaine, not with words, he cannot find them. Sometimes, if Blaine could not read him so well Kurt would feel so much more lost than he does already too much of the time, especially these days.

Blaine is sitting cross-legged with a book in his lap at the end of the bed when Kurt first stirs.

It takes Kurt a couple of minutes to really wake up, only then he registers that he is not alone.

And as soon as Kurt's eyes drift into his direction, Blaine, who has been watching Kurt carefully since his first limb started to shake off the heaviness of sleep, Blaine, carefully places the still open book upside down onto the covers and moves to kneel on the floor beside Kurt's bed, so Kurt does not have to any longer twist his head awkwardly to look at him.

"Kurt, Baby," Blaine carefully lifts his left hand and begins to run it slow and tender through Kurt's sleep ruffled hair.

Kurt just looks back at Blaine, lips briefly parting … then meeting again in a close – words too heavy to carry any longer today.

The outward silence persists but Blaine can see the lightning clashing in the blue of Kurt's eyes.

"I love you."

Kurt swallows hard, hearing Blaine's softly whispered words, then his arms come around Blaine's shoulders and Kurt pulls him as close as he can.

Moments later Blaine finds himself back on the bed, lying next to Kurt, lying here with Kurt wound around him seconds later.

With anyone else just lying here in silence would feel crushing … and weird, to both boys.

It does not with each other.


	6. Sea

**A/N: **This is a weird one, I know, this whole story I mean. It keeps just blubbering out of me, and I am helpless but to write. I dearly hope it is still, if nothing else, an interestingly weird read. I'm feeling crushed and weird and down and unreasonably emotional, and so so sorry if I make no sense. It is actually my natural state of mind, or so it feels after decades of confusion and pain, not making sense I mean, hardly ever to myself either. Emotional pain sucks. Headfucked in the worst way feeling rant over.

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><p><strong>I'm Really Not Okay <strong>

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><p><strong>Chapter 6: Sea<br>**

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><p>Mike had not even been supposed to know. And no one knew about Mike, not even Tina.<p>

So that is the first thing Mike tells Blaine when he approaches him 17 days later, with Kurt still barely holding on to himself it seems, "Blaine, you cannot tell Tina."

16 of those 17 days Blaine has spent nights holding Kurt, and then there had been that one night he had not been allowed, the night his parents had insisted Blaine come with them to visit his grandmother, and stay there _"Just that one night, Blaine. He can do without you for one night."_

And not two hours into the evening Blaine had gotten a phone call from Burt, as worn out as Blaine has ever heard him.

Blaine can still hear him now _"Blaine? He has locked himself in his room, and he refuses to talk to me, even so much as through the door, please can I put you on speaker and you try? Please? I don't know what to do, Blaine."_

And so Blaine had, locked himself in one of his grandmother's bathrooms, the one upstairs, and talked and talked and talked for over 23 minutes until Kurt had actually unlocked his bedroom door and taken the phone from his father and asked Blaine to, _"Can you, Blaine, can you come? Please? I need you. I need you so much."_ And Blaine had felt sick to his stomach with worry and that ache in his chest, blunt and hard, that only ever comes when he knows he cannot give Kurt what he needs.

It had not been a restful night, Blaine spending every minute he could of it on the phone to Kurt, both exhausted by sunrise, and the whole of Blaine's family cross with him, Burt thankful for Blaine's love for his son, and for Blaine's selflessness.

So the first thing Blaine blurts out hearing Mike's words today is, "I cannot lie to Kurt."

"I want to come with you after school actually and talk to him, and Tina can't know, because … because she does not know about … about what I want to talk to Kurt about."

Blaine has no idea how to answer to any of this, _'If he might help Kurt …,'_ remains the only thought running over and over through his head as he begins to nod, swallowing hard once and bringing out hesitantly, "Okay."

Kurt had not been at school today, again, so Blaine and Mike drive over to the Hummels' directly after their last class, skipping Glee, both unable to take Mr. Schue or Rachel today.

Blaine can feel Mike growing more and more nervous the closer they get to the house.

Mike is practically vibrating in his seat when Blaine shuts the motor off in the drive-way.

"Mike?"

"It's fine. I'm … I'm fine."

"You can tell me, you know that, right?"

"The thing is, Blaine, the thing is … I really can't."

Blaine wants to puke with nerves as soon as Kurt's bedroom door closes behind Mike and Kurt.

"_I can't tell you, Blaine. I'm here for Kurt. Please trust me? And please don't think I don't trust you, but this is … it's all so much for me to go back to, … I don't know if, if I could talk about ... go through it twice, again, without, without ending up doing something stupid and being a total wrack myself, so, … Blaine, I just really need to talk to Kurt, alone."_ And with those words Mike had gotten out of the car, walked up to the front door and asked Burt to please let him speak with Kurt.

Burt, desperate to help his son had, with a deep sigh, agreed.

Blaine had followed Mike up the stairs, and this is how he ended up right here, alone, standing outside Kurt's closed bedroom door, listening for voices, hearing nothing but the heavy pounding of his own heart in his ears.


	7. Suddenly

**A/N:** Yes, another one. I physically can't stop writing tonight. Kind of, no scratch that, definitly afraid of what I will do if I do.

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><p><strong>I'm Really Not Okay<strong>

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><p><strong>Chapter 7: Suddenly<strong>

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><p>Blaine has no idea what Mike and Kurt talk about that day. Neither of the two is talking about it … at all.<p>

But two days later, two more nights of Blaine holding Kurt … and Kurt is back in school as if nothing ever happened.

And it scares Blaine.

It scares Blaine more than all the weeks of crying and clinging and Kurt's crushing hold on him ever had, ever could.

More than being needed Blaine is scared by … not.

Mike keeps coming over the following two and a half weeks. And sometimes, sometimes when Tina, Rachel and Mercedes are having another fight over duets and solos, and all things Glee, Blain even finds the two, Mike and Kurt, stealing away into a quiet hallway or classroom … to '… to talk?' Blaine can only guess.

And it scares him, and it worries him, and 'I cannot lose you!'

But Blaine has made a promise, and what reason could he possibly give for breaking Mike's trust, after all, ' ... he is obviously helping Kurt.'

But Blaine cannot entirely help the pang in his chest, which he knows to be a stupid, egoistic impulse, 'I want to be the one to help him. At least be allowed to help helping. I'm the one supposed to make him feel good.'

And how Tina has not picked up yet, after over two weeks of this, that something is going on Blaine simply does not get.

And then there is the afternoon Mike and Kurt sit down with him and try, and try their hardest to explain. And Blaine ends up crying, bawling his eyes out, because how could he have been so egoistically stupid with something so important going on. It is just so hard being kept out of the loop, especially when it comes to someone you love.


	8. See

**A/N: **Last chapter. I hope you had an interesting time reading this. Opinions are appreciated very much! Especially since I felt, for lack of a better word, strange, most of the time writing it. And the later parts of it don't feel, to me, like something I would usually write, but I must have, because here we are after all, chapter 8.

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><p><strong>I'm Really Not Okay<strong>

**Chapter 8: See**

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><p>The three of them are sitting cuddled up with blankets and extra pillows, mugs of hot tea in their hands, on the Hummels' living room couch the house otherwise empty, Kurt has made sure of it, knowing this, today, it needs ' … we need time to ourselves if I'm ever going to tell him, and I need to, I want to.'<p>

Blaine can feel the tension still in the room with them, even now they have tried to get comfortable, Mike sitting to Blaine's left, Kurt to Blaine's right. Blaine almost jumps out of his own skin when he hears Mike's voice.

"You know my sister Lina," Mike says, and Blaine can only nod, because, yes he does, he has spent some time with all of Mike's siblings and family.

"How is she?" he asks innocently, not seeing the connection yet, but how could he.

"She loves college. She's majoring in biology now. But …."

"But?" Blaine asks still confused.

"She … there was a time …. She was not always this … content."

And now things are starting to click in Blaine's head, "You two, you talked this much about Lina? Why?"

Kurt's voice is shaking, Kurt scared of what he says next will be revealing too much too quick about himself by association alone. 'What if you hate me then?' "Mike told me she used to …, she used to get these anxiety attacks, when … every time … she …."

Kurt is breathing hard all of a sudden, and Blaine puts down both their mugs to pull him into a tight hug, "Hey, hey it's okay, if you are not ready for me to know …, I'm not going anywhere. Sure I was jealous …."

And suddenly Kurt is shaking in his arms, and Blaine freezes in shock until he realizes it is laughter, and looking at Mike sees him smiling amused too.

"You were jealous of the two of us?" Kurt whispers.

"You really were, Blaine?" Mike asks too, nudging Blaine in the shoulder.

"Well, yeah, of you two spending so much time together."

"Oh?" Kurt asks with a slight frown, "Was it really that much? I didn't realize, I mean, I know it was more than before, but …."

"No, probably it wasn't all that much, but way more than before," suddenly Blaine grows quiet. Then, "And I was missing you so much. Talking to you, joking with you. Both of you. Do you know how many lunches I got stuck with Rachel at one table, alone? I mean I love Glee, but discussing solos and duets yet again? I mean, enough is enough at some point."

Both Mike and Kurt are still smiling at Blaine's exasperated look saying this.

And then Kurt is biting back a grin.

A moment of quiet content comforts them into new strength to go on.

Kurt starts, voice stronger again, "I'm really not okay, Blaine. And, and I did not understand at all what was going on with me until Mike came to me and just … just talked to me about his sister, about Lina." Kurt breaks of, still feeling weird talking about someone he has never even met but having helped him so much. He has a phone date with her two weeks from now, after her heavier exam load is over. Mike has arranged it.

"I told my sister what I knew from Tina about Kurt's situation and she said it was okay to talk to him about … about her life."

Blaine asks in a whisper, fear obvious on his face, "What about it?"

Mike tries to stick to the main point, there is time for all the unnerving details later, Mike is sure this is not the last conversation the three of them will have about any of this "A lot of people have trouble with big changes in their lives, of people, environment, and the anxiety that can come with them; not least from all the stressful atmosphere surrounding them. It's often something or someone outside them who triggers it, but not always. That's what Lina says anyway about herself. She says it is important to choose right in who you surround yourself with."

Kurt can feel Blaine umcomfortably shifting beside himself, so he clasps both of Blaine's hands in his own, twines their fingers thoroughly then looks up again, right at Blaine. "It wasn't you this time, I promise. The … the first, first time I did, I … I …," Kurt breaks off takes a deep breath, he has never actually said it out loud to anyone but Mike, "… the first time I cut myself, were the last months of middle school. I got so scared. Everything was about to change, and … I just, some days I came back from school, and I just sat all alone in our old house, dad at the shop and my mom …, you know, not having been there for a long time, and everything just started hurting so much without anyone to talk to there with me, and no friends at school, I started feeling like I was about to explode. And then that feeling started, that, that itching all over and under, always deep under my skin, and one day, one day, I just … I couldn't take it anymore, and … it was never the pain, the pain never felt anything remotely close to good, but it made me feel something. Something was in my control, I could, I just … it was up to me, all up to me, to stop or not and how deep, and how often. And in those moments nothing else had to matter, nothing else did. I only stopped again after I joined Glee."

"Months," Blaine murmurs, swallowing hard, crying thickly.

"Months," Kurt nods squeezing Blaine's hands, still in his, tighter. "I needed something to make me feel. I had forgotten all about singing that summer. It didn't even occur to me that that was what was actually missing in such a big way. Drawing those lines into my skin, it felt like the only self expression left. I had no idea what would come, it felt so utterly crushing."

And as Kurt starts to shed his own tears heavier and heavier at the memory, Mike talks on, hoping Blaine is still taking things in, despite the tears still washing over his face, rawing and reddening his skin, "You see, Blaine, Lina had the same problem, fear of all those uncertainties, before she started college, and high school, and middle school. Although I had been too young to notice those first two times, that last time I did, and I had talked to her a lot about it, because I tend to get nervous far too quick too, and I was scared I might …, you know. Sometimes I have to, in the middle of writing, throw a pen literally across the room, just out of my hands, so that … because, I start to feel an itching to ram it into my arm. Gosh, I sound like I psycho," Mike buries his head in his hands, tea mug long empty placed on the coffee table a while ago.

"Hey," Blaine reaches out and hugs him with one arm to his side, "Mike. Thank you for telling us. And thank you, thank you so much for helping Kurt and me, us. You have done so much for us. A psycho would not do that. Next time you feel that way, call me? Please?"

Mike nods and Blaine turns back to Kurt, while still hugging Mike close with one arm, the other hand still wrapped tightly in Kurt's. "Kurt? What can I do so it won't happen again?"

And just like that Kurt's crying even harder, "You are doing it all already. You stayed with me, without me even having to do so much as ask for it. You are the one person who does not pester me about my future and college all the time. We talk about all kinds of things. That is so ..., you are so precious to me. I need yo to know that."

Blaine holds on tight, "There must be something more we can do? Together?"

"Like what?" Kurt asks, sounding slightly unravelled.

"Maybe Lina can help us," Blaine carefully suggests, while dissolving into a blubbering mess of tears in the next second, the tension of weeks holding in all his own feelings, suddenly spilling over all at once."Mike?"

"I'm sure she will be okay with talking to both of you, and she does have some good advice, I know that for a fact. What I don't know is if it will help you like it helped me."

"But we can try," Blaine says, calming down a little again as Kurt snuggles deep into his arms.

"We will try," Kurt says, hope clear in his voice, infused with streaks of hoped for happiness almost felt already.

They are almost there.


End file.
